Real Talk.

This week I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.

Fun Facts:

• This shit sucks and it comes out of nowhere
• 3 million+ cases in the US per year
• PPD can occur in all parents, not just birth mothers.
• Symptoms may be overwhelming such as feeling hopeless, agitated, sad, anxious, moody, losing interest in activities, oversleeping, unable to sleep, withdrawing yourself from social situations, doubting yourself on your ability as a parent, and many others.
• Baby Blues is a different ballgame. Baby Blues often times affects the mother after giving birth due to the changes, fatigue and care they are now needing to provide for their newborn, where as PPD has the possibility to become more extreme depending on the severity as to where the parent is unable to care for their family or themselves.

{If any of these Postpartum Depression symptoms sound like anything you’ve been feeling or experiencing, please reach out to a health care professional, you’re not alone! TRUST ME…}

So… the symptoms I listed were pretty much everything I’ve been experiencing for almost two months now. I’m a fairly easy going, happy go lucky type of girl and have that great ability to hide feelings that I don’t want to deal with deep down, and I figured they would just disappear. I ended up opening up to TJ about a week ago telling him I wasn’t feeling like myself and that there was something off but I didn’t know how to explain it. There wasn’t an explanation I could give. All I had been wanting to do is sleep, I stopped meeting my daily goals, I just didn’t care.

I explained to my doctor that I felt “blah”, like I was almost disgusted with myself, but I didn’t understand why. Then I started ugly crying in front of her and apologized for crying. She continued asking me questions as to recent changes in our lifestyle then handed me “the quiz”. The quiz is a paper all birth mothers have received at a point in their life, usually within hours or days after giving birth in a hospital. It will determine where on the spectrum if you are, at all, feeling some type of depression, specifically from post-baby. I thought to myself I’ve seen this form before, my answers the first time in the hospital were all clear, I’m fine. After reading the first question I felt a wave of defeat just consume my heart. As a wife and now a mother to a daughter I’ve promised to raise as a strong and proud woman, I’ve strayed away from that feeling of vulnerability. I don’t think any mother wants to feel this mental hurt of these emotions and be told “you have Postpartum Depression”, it kind of just kills that soulful hope you keep pushing to provide, yet, there isn’t much of yourself to give if you aren’t mindful of your own needs, initially. It’s as if you have so many of these harsh emotions built up and surrounding your mind, yet there’s a giant void of feeling. There’s a complete disconnection. You become numb to your own sense of self, and you have to accept it and move on because there’s shit to do.

After I left the doctors I called my mom. I’ve written this before, but my mom was always an open book with me regarding these more socially odd subjects. She had told me her own struggles after having me with PPD. I told her I felt a sense of sadness but was also relieved that this was what’s been bothering me, because I felt as if I was going crazy – feeling things that shouldn’t even be a concept because I do have such a beautiful life.

PPD is so much more common than most would assume, I had read other blogs and stories of mothers with these experiences and was always thankful I never had to deal with it, I didn’t know it was something of possibility 10 months post baby… You can’t exactly hit that “Esc” button to not feel somewhat shameful or embarrassed, but really, what’s the big deal on this issue being so hush-hush, in and out of society? Here’s something uncomfortable, so let’s not talk about it? Quite the opposite from my standpoint. It helps to talk about it, depression, anxiety, whatever it is, talk about it. I think it’s important to have that understanding and acceptance that comes with life’s messiest moments. There are too many women and men that feel as if they’re not allowed to have these feelings and it’s complete crap. No one wakes up saying, “You know what, today’s a good day to be depressed, let’s do that”… if everyone just opened their hearts a tiny bit to be more understanding, mothers to mothers, husbands to wives, mother to daughter, dad to daughter, it would seriously just expand the knowledge of the subject and really help out that person. Honestly, just giving myself the ability to write and talk about these feelings has helped immensely, and I hope if there’s another mama reading this that needs that little push to open up, here it is. 🧡

So yeah, it’s here, it’s happening, and it’s okay.

.

.

.

“Postpartum Depression Facts.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/postpartum-depression-facts/index.shtml.

Beck, Julie. “Postpartum Depression Can Happen to Any Parent.” The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, 21 Apr. 2014, http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/04/postpartum-depression-can-happen-to-any-parent/360918/.